Men prolong the dating stage more than women, right? Wrong. According to a survey done for by, 42.1% of the men surveyed said they would make things official after only “a couple of good dates.” So, what might that say about the man you are dating if he cannot commit to you?

Can’t Vs. Won’t

When someone cannot do something, it means they are unable to (a man without sight is unable to see). Some men have commitment-phobia and actually want to commit, but cannot because of emotional trauma like severe betrayal, overwhelming fear of intimacy, or confusion between excitement and anxiety.

On the other hand, when someone will not do something, it means they can but choose not to (a man who can walk with crutches, yet chooses not to use them). It is important to determine if you are really dating a man that cannot commit; or one who will not. To find out, seek God in prayer. You should also ask how he feels about commitment and why.

He Really Can’t Commit

You probably have a man who will not commit if he says, for example, he does not want to limit himself to one woman. However, if you know he wants to commit but some emotional issue prevents him from moving forward, he probably cannot. In the latter case, counseling can make a significant impact, but he must be willing and it takes time.

Do you want a commitment from him? It is crucial to ask yourself if you have the patience and will it takes to wait and/or work through his issue(s) with him should he seek professional help. At the same time, keep in mind that he may never get to a point where he can commit to you.

Whose Battle Is It?

We all bring issues to the table of our relationships, but certain issues put others at the mercy of them. Therefore, it is actually wise for some people to get to a healthier place in their minds and hearts before they date. Otherwise, they might subject others to unnecessary hurt.

If you are dating someone whose inability to commit causes you abnormal stress and hurt, it may be a sign that you have taken on a misplaced burden. Understand that certain issues are not yours to battle, and when you make them yours, it pushes him that much further from a healthy resolution.

What Do You Want?

If you do not want a commitment, it probably does not matter if the man you are dating cannot commit. You may want to ask yourself, however, if you will want him to commit to you down the line, in order to prevent yourself from avoidable distress.

If you want to be in a committed relationship with him, now or in the future, you need to know what you can and cannot endure. Then, make the decision that works best for your well-being.


References Women Are Actually More Commitment-Phobic Than Men
Psychology Today: Understanding and Dealing with Commitment-Phobia


When the Man in Your Life Can’t Commit; Dr. David Hawkins
Psychology Today: Should Women Date Men Afraid to Commit?

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Answers: "He Can't Commit, What Should I Do?"

by Zara Hairston | Your Questions, Answered